If you guys didn't think I'm crazy, you'll do now.
I know I'm not perfect- nobody is, but I just keep making mistakes and hurting people. Like, I always screw up. I think it's kind of a bad gift God gave me, and I just keep making it getting worse.
Anyway, sorry if I ever hurt any of you guys that I think are going to read this post (well, I don't actually think all my friends are going to read it, but I am apologizing). Sorry, Leandro. Nikolas. Victor. Gabriela. Laís. Gabriel. Carlinha. I think I'm just more not perfect than everybody else. And it's not a good feeling, I'm telling you. Nope. Bad, baaaad feeling. *Rachel*
But you have to understand this: lately, with all the stuff that happened recently, some of my best friends have become just... friends. And you guys know what I'm talking about. And I know that most of you have done this 'cause you wanted to protect me, but I also know that some of you just didn't give a shit. Like if hiding something that big from me wasn't a big deal. But I'm sure most of you do/did care about me, and I appreciate it. Really :)
The reason I'm writing this now is that I've been get these feelings, and they are upseting me. I've been having these annoying thoughts that are telling me that if I die tomorrow no one will miss me. And those of you who know me long enough know that it's been happening for a while. And sometimes I actually think it's true. Example: no one will read this. It's 1:33 in the morning, I'm wasting my time apologizing and telling you my feelings and no one you read this. One, two people TOPS.
Last year I wrote a whole post telling people about how I feel like a secundary person in our crew, and I got supporting messages as responses, telling me how I'm special and everything. But it's easy for everyone to say it XD I don't feel special. Not in our crew. I just feel like a left out person that is just standing there watching people trade secrets that I can't know, and laughing with each other, and sometimes sharing a fake happiness. But, you know, it happens to everyone. I guess.
Anyway, I'm feeling depressed, these days and I just need to say that I need you. I need you guys to help me through it. My mom said she's not going o spend a fortune on therapy for me this year, so I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope you guys understand that I'm having a hard time since November of last year and this whole hiding stuff just made it worse. I know the ones that really care about me are not going to think it's just something that I'm saying so you'll feel sorry for me, 'cause, you know, it isn't. There's nothing worse than having people feel sorry for you ¬¬
I know I may have hurt some of you really bad. And I do appologize. I can be stupid sometimes, but everyone can, too. But please, just stand by me. For those of you who read this: this is all I'm asking. If I don't go out with you guys, or for some reason I'm in a bad mood, don't start ignoring me. I know I can be difficult, and this time, MORE difficult. But I really do like you guys and I don't wanna lose your friendship. :) You mean a lot to me. All of you.
Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve your friendship.
I know I'm not perfect- nobody is, but I just keep making mistakes and hurting people. Like, I always screw up. I think it's kind of a bad gift God gave me, and I just keep making it getting worse.
Anyway, sorry if I ever hurt any of you guys that I think are going to read this post (well, I don't actually think all my friends are going to read it, but I am apologizing). Sorry, Leandro. Nikolas. Victor. Gabriela. Laís. Gabriel. Carlinha. I think I'm just more not perfect than everybody else. And it's not a good feeling, I'm telling you. Nope. Bad, baaaad feeling. *Rachel*
But you have to understand this: lately, with all the stuff that happened recently, some of my best friends have become just... friends. And you guys know what I'm talking about. And I know that most of you have done this 'cause you wanted to protect me, but I also know that some of you just didn't give a shit. Like if hiding something that big from me wasn't a big deal. But I'm sure most of you do/did care about me, and I appreciate it. Really :)
The reason I'm writing this now is that I've been get these feelings, and they are upseting me. I've been having these annoying thoughts that are telling me that if I die tomorrow no one will miss me. And those of you who know me long enough know that it's been happening for a while. And sometimes I actually think it's true. Example: no one will read this. It's 1:33 in the morning, I'm wasting my time apologizing and telling you my feelings and no one you read this. One, two people TOPS.
Last year I wrote a whole post telling people about how I feel like a secundary person in our crew, and I got supporting messages as responses, telling me how I'm special and everything. But it's easy for everyone to say it XD I don't feel special. Not in our crew. I just feel like a left out person that is just standing there watching people trade secrets that I can't know, and laughing with each other, and sometimes sharing a fake happiness. But, you know, it happens to everyone. I guess.
Anyway, I'm feeling depressed, these days and I just need to say that I need you. I need you guys to help me through it. My mom said she's not going o spend a fortune on therapy for me this year, so I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope you guys understand that I'm having a hard time since November of last year and this whole hiding stuff just made it worse. I know the ones that really care about me are not going to think it's just something that I'm saying so you'll feel sorry for me, 'cause, you know, it isn't. There's nothing worse than having people feel sorry for you ¬¬
I know I may have hurt some of you really bad. And I do appologize. I can be stupid sometimes, but everyone can, too. But please, just stand by me. For those of you who read this: this is all I'm asking. If I don't go out with you guys, or for some reason I'm in a bad mood, don't start ignoring me. I know I can be difficult, and this time, MORE difficult. But I really do like you guys and I don't wanna lose your friendship. :) You mean a lot to me. All of you.
Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve your friendship.
